Happy Holidays!

turkey

CAST

 

TRACY

Female, mid-20’s.

DAN

Male, mid-20’s.

SANDY

Tracy’s mother, mid-40’s.

 

BACKYARD LAWN FULL OF FALLEN

AUTUMN LEAVES.

 

SCENE

 

[CLOUDY AFTERNOON. TRACY AND DAN ARE

RAKING LEAVES.]

 

TRACY

I ordered a turkey this morning. A fresh one from that butcher shop down the street.

 

DAN

Isn’t that kind of expensive? The supermarkets practically give away the frozen ones the week before Thanksgiving.

 

turkey-real

 

TRACY

Don’t worry. I’m working tons of overtime.

 

DAN

It’s not the money.

 

TRACY

Then what’s the problem? Nana said she’ll bake pies, a lemon meringue and two pumpkin. And my sister usually buys the rolls and puts together a relish tray.

 

DAN

I talked to my mom yesterday.

 

TRACY

Don’t tell me she wants to bring that disgusting Apple Betty she brought last year. She knows Nana always makes pies.

 

DAN

She didn’t mention it. But she did say she’d like to have Thanksgiving at her house this year.

 

[TRACY STOPS RAKING.]

 

TRACY

No way. Nobody in my family’s gonna want to drive an hour to your parents’ house. Besides, the one time your Mom made Thanksgiving dinner six years ago, it was a fiasco.

 

DAN

I know. I couldn’t believe it either. Who makes ham and scalloped potatoes for Thanksgiving?

 

TRACY

She’s not even a decent cook.

 

DAN

The main reason she wants to have it is because my brother’s coming out from California.

 

TRACY

Why the hell is he coming out here?

 

DAN

I don’t know.

 

TRACY

Doesn’t Arizona have a warrant out for him?

 

turkey-busted

 

DAN

He’s not driving. I’m sure my mom’s paying for his plane ticket.

 

 

TRACY

Too bad she doesn’t pay us back that eight hundred dollars he owes us.

 

DAN

I know. What can I do? My brother’s an asshole.

 

TRACY

I mean the nerve of him. We let him move in when he loses his job, make his car payment for him, and then he steals from us when he splits in the middle of the night.

 

DAN

What can I say?

 

TRACY

You know my mom won’t go if she knows Steve’s gonna be there.

 

DAN

I don’t blame her. But I told your mom not to help Steve after we kicked him out.

 

TRACY

Yeah, she’s nice enough not to let him end up on the street and he thanks her by trying to have her arrested.

 

DAN

Didn’t I go over there at three a.m. and straighten it out with the police?

 

TRACY

That drunken bastard sure has balls. Loses his wallet in a bar and then wakes up my mom and accuse her of stealing it.

 

DAN

I know. But she never should’ve let him move into her apartment. I warned her not to.

 

TRACY

Yeah, we have your parents to thank for sending him out here for all of us to put up with.

 

[DAN STOPS RAKING.]

DAN

My mom asked me to ask your mom not to cause any problems if she comes to dinner.

 

TRACY (angrier)

My mom cause problems?

tracy-carnival-trio

 

DAN

You know, like attacking Steve or something.

 

TRACY

That might be fun to see.

 

DAN

Will you talk to her?

 

TRACY

I already know what she’ll say. There’s no way she’ll spend Thanksgiving with your brother.

 

DAN

Nana will come, won’t she? And your sister?

 

TRACY

I doubt it. You think my grandmother’s going to spend the holiday with your parents and Steve and leave my mom, her own daughter, alone for Thanksgiving? And Kathy hates Steve. Everybody hates Steve.

 

DAN

I don’t think my parents are too happy with him either.

 

TRACY

Listen, if you want to go over there, go right ahead. But I’m going to have Thanksgiving here at our house like always.

 

[SANDY, TRACY’S MOTHER ENTERS.]

 

SANDY

You guys want to go to the swap meet? Kathy’s going to meet me there.

 

DAN

I don’t think so. Being around that bitch is not my idea of fun.

 

[DAN EXITS.]

 

SANDY

What’s his problem?

 

TRACY

Nothing. Just being his usual asshole self.

 

SANDY

I don’t know why you don’t leave him.

 

TRACY

Listen, I’m not in the mood.

 

SANDY

You know you could do a lot better than him. And you wouldn’t have to deal with that family of his.

 

TRACY

He’s not any worse than the five husbands you married.

 

SANDY

Oh, I don’t know. Don was okay.

 

TRACY

Yeah, if you take away his drinking problem and the fact that the crack of his ass was always hanging out of his pants.

 

SANDY

He was still better than Dick.

 

TRACY

Don’t say that so loud; he might hear you. You know he gets pissed when you call him that.

 

[DAN ENTERS.]

 

DAN

What do I get pissed about?

 

SANDY

Nothing. We were talking about Don.

 

DAN

That loser.

 

SANDY

Anyway, do you want to go to the swap meet?

 

TRACY

No, I think we’ll probably go grocery shopping. All the stores are offering sales for Thanksgiving.

 

SANDY

Speaking of sales, I’m broke. Can you give me fifty out of that money I gave you to hold?

 

TRACY

But you already got the rest of it last week.

 

SANDY

I don’t remember that.

 

DAN

I do. You were going to the track with Katfish.

 

SANDY

Why do you always have to call Kathy that?

 

DAN

I’ll call that cunt anything I want.

 

SANDY

You don’t hear me badmouthing your brother. Although I should.

 

DAN

I could care less what you say about him.

 

SANDY

I’m not going to waste my breath even talking about that punk.

(to Tracy)

You’re sure I got the rest of my money?

 

TRACY

Remember you said you almost hit that Trifecta?

 

SANDY

That’s right. Leonard and his lousy hot tips.

 

TRACY

Is Leonard coming over for dinner Thanksgiving?

 

SANDY

You don’t mind, do you?

 

DAN

I don’t know why you hang out with that old man.

 

SANDY

He doesn’t have anyone. And you know Leonard’s a good old guy.

 

DAN

He’s okay. But my mom sure didn’t like having to sit next to him at the barbecue last Fourth of July.

 

SANDY

I don’t blame her. That droopy eye of his is kind of creepy until you get to know him.

 

DAN

At least she won’t have to worry about it at Thanksgiving.

 

SANDY

By the way, Kathy wanted me to tell, I mean, ask you guys something.

 

DAN

Here it comes. What the hell does she want now?

 

SANDY

You guys have Thanksgiving here every year and it hurts her feelings that we never have it at your sister’s house.

 

TRACY

That’s because she’s such a bitch.

 

SANDY

Well, I told Kathy we could have it at her house this year.

 

TRACY

Thanks for asking our opinion.

 

DAN

I’ll tell you both one thing. My mother wouldn’t go to Kathy’s house ever again. Not after last Easter.

 

SANDY

Your mom had it coming with that crack of hers about Kathy’s perm.

 

DAN

It did make her look like the Bride of Frankenstein.

 

SANDY

Your mother still shouldn’t have said that. Kathy felt bad enough as it was when she saw what that hairdresser did to her.

 

TRACY (looking at watch)

Geez, it’s almost noon already. What time are you meeting Kathy?

 

SANDY

Yeah, I should get going. Can you loan me twenty until next week?

 

DAN

No way. I told her not to loan money to any of you anymore.

 

SANDY

What business is it of yours? At least I always pay her back. Did Steve ever pay back that eight hundred he owes you?

 

DAN

Speaking of Steve, did Tracy tell you he’s coming out for Thanksgiving?

 

SANDY

Don’t expect him to be welcome at Kathy’s. I’m not about to spend the holiday with that asshole brother of yours.

 

DAN

No problem. That’s why my mom’s going to make Thanksgiving dinner at her house instead. She knows what a bitch you are so I’m sure you’re not invited.

 

SANDY

I’m outta here. I don’t need to take your or your mother’s crap. You can both go to hell.

 

TRACY

Both of you stop it. Now.

 

DAN

Go Sandy. Please. I’m only in hell as long as you’re around.

 

SANDY (to Tracy)

I don’t know why you stay with this asshole.

 

[SANDY EXITS.]

 

TRACY

That’s just great.

 

DAN

What? I didn’t do anything.

 

TRACY

I don’t know why every holiday has to be like this.

 

DAN

I know. But your family’s as bad as mine.

 

TRACY

I’ll tell you one thing. Everybody in my family’s going to dinner where Nana goes. Probably to Kathy’s because my mom will be there. And I’m not about to spend Thanksgiving with your brother.

 

DAN

So that means you won’t be with me then?

 

[TRACY RAKES LEAVES.]

 

TRACY

I guess not. Maybe we’ll try Christmas if you’re not a dick.

 

[LIGHTS FADE TO DARKNESS.]

 

                                       THE END

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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